On Thongs

Okay, I have an announcement to make. Thongs are officially over. That's right, girls, you can all relax now and go back to wearing regular underwear. Even granny-pants, if you must. Thongs were cool for a while. Every once in a while you'd catch a glimpse of one as she reached for her drink. They almost seemed exotic, as though the wearer were more cosmopolitan. But this time has passed. Seeing thongs has become commonplace. Far far too commonplace. There is no mystery. It's been replaced by a desire for more mystery. I'd rather not be thinking about your laundry in the middle of class. I don't want to know about that tattoo or freckle, or where your tan line is. Thanks anyway.

One class this week, the girl in front of me had to stand up several times to pass handouts down her row. By the end of class I had seen way more of her than I wanted. Probably more than she wanted, too. I actually took to staring at a very interesting spot on the wall until she got seated again. The low-slung jeans didn't help, either. Seriously people, there is a time and a place for things. And for thongs, the time and place was never during Monday morning Industrial Law class. And I'm here to say that now, the time has completely past. Retire those thongs to the same fashion purgatory we sent hip huggers, skorts, Jam shorts and bell bottoms. The place we tried to send pedal-pushers, only to see them rise again under the moniker of capri pants.

Let me say something else about these low-slung jeans. They are terrible, too. I realize that you ladies don't make the pants, you just wear them, but it needs to be said. Women should wear the waistband of their pants on their waist. It's that simple. It's the same infallible logic that says: don't wear horizontal stripes unless you wish to appear more wide. With pants worn on the waist, it emphasizes the fact that your waist is smaller than your hips. It shows the hourglass shape. This is good. When you wear them on your hips, it looks like you have big hips and shows a non-curvy or pear shape. This is bad. The only time you should wear such a low waist is when you can truthfully say, "my hips are too small. I need to emphasize them more." If this is the case, have at it. But please make sure the crack of your bum is covered. That’s all I ask.