Exchanging Money

Generally, don’t do it. Mostly because your ATM card works overseas and probably charges half the conversion fee that the Bureau of change does. That being said, here is another reason.

I have had a $100 bill for a while. If I was smart enough to follow my own advice, I would have saved it for use at home. But I've had it for a while, and thought it would be nice not to hit the bank account. So yesterday I walked by the bank branch which I know has a "Bureau of Change" at about ten after four. I walk up to the bank's door and? Locked. I look at the sign. Monday they're open until five, but Tuesday through Friday it's four. I walk away wondering about how I will adjust to America's rush-rush-hurry-hurry. Such is life in Ireland, I muse, and skip along home, figuring I can change the bill tomorrow morning on my way into town.

So this morning, a surprisingly bright, clear and warm day, I get over to the bank, only to find it closed. I look at the sign, again. The bank opens at ten. Okay, a bit annoying, but that's probably on me. I mean, I just assumed that a bank would open at nine (or before). No matter, there is a breakfast place across the street, why not enjoy a 'full Irish' for one of the last times? Blue sky, don't worry, be happy.

Shortly after ten I re-approach the bank. I stride to the door confidently, pull on it and . . . ? You guessed it, locked. Now I am like - WTF? I look around for assistance and notice, on a piece of letterhead stuck in the upper left hand corner of the door, where you'd expect to find today's rates, a Notice to Our Customers. On Thursday mornings, they wish to inform me, they will open an hour later so that employees may get up-to-date training. And further, they are sorry for the delay but I should remember that they are only doing this, in the end, so that they may provide the best possible service to me, the customer.

Judge Learned Hand once wrote, "it would be most irksome to be ruled by a bevy of Platonic guardians, even if I knew how to choose them, which I assuredly do not." Judge Judy once shouted: "don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining!" I think both apply here. If you want to keep your bank branch closed for an extra hour, I can't say that I like it, but fine. I'm pretty sure you could get your employees on premises an hour earlier one day, or in shifts during lunch, or whatever. But that's beside the point: above all else, for the love of God, don't tell me it's for my own good. That really is irksome, you fat bag of fat.

I was kind of stuck. I was about halfway from home and had planned to change my money and spend the day sort of studying. I say sort of because I had a final at 2:30 which I was essentially prepared for, so it would be that sort of half-hearted re-reading of notes and outlines that wouldn't help me learn anything new but also would help keep it all in there. So, I walked around the strip mall for about half an hour and then waited outside the bank door. At least I would be first in line. And you better believe I read every single sign on that storefront.

Happily, the door opened at 10:59 and I went inside. The branch has four windows: one dedicated to customer service, one dedicated to the bureau of change, and two general ones. A girl waved from a general window. I approached and said, "well, really I need the bureau of change."

"Oh," she said in that vacant way that you know does not bode well. In fact, let's be honest: it bodes very badly. She turned around to whisper with someone in a cubicle, looked at her watch, and returned. Sonova. "She won't be in until noon."

I attempted to wither her with a glare. She smiled. "Noon?" I asked. She nodded. This was officially the end of the charm of this crap. I felt like a New Yorker.

Although completely under control, I said, "okay, here's the thing, though. You're not open past four except Friday, your gold-plated sign says you open at ten, but there's a random piece of paper saying every other lunar phase you're opening an hour late. I know because I read it sixteen times while waiting for you to open today. And you know what that sign doesn't say? It doesn't say the bureau of change is on another different random schedule." She gave me a look that I would say was about halfway to horrified. Now, I've been on the front line of customer service many times, so I do empathize. I said, "look, I understand you don't make policy here, but you might pass along that the sign ought to say the hours for the bureau of change as well, you know?"

As I was saying this last part, the manager walked by. "You just want change?" He said in that shouted whisper that says 'I'll do it this once.'

"That's right," says me. He jumped behind the change desk and clumsily converted my Ben Franklin to €77.75. But, he did it. So, to Barry at the Headford Road branch of the Bank of Ireland, thank you. And yes, I apologized to the teller, although she wouldn't have any of it.

I guess I am still in love with Ireland.