Timing is Everything

***WARNING: TODAY'S ENTRY IS AT LEAST R-RATED. IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OR ARE UPSET BY COARSE LANGUAGE OR SEXUAL SITUATIONS, COME BACK ANOTHER DAY. ***

Okay, I've been saving this one for a while, about the way they throw around the f- and c-words here, plus the raunchy state of TV. But today my mother arrives from home. This means she will not read the blog for over a week. Hopefully this post will slide down and she'll never see it. Or, if she does, I won't see her until late May so maybe she'll forget.

First of all, I have to report one of the major differences here is the type of language that passes as regular conversation. To be blunt, 'fuck,' and to a lesser exent, 'cunt' are just regular words to be used whenever. And it's not just the guys. I think that is what surprised me most. To my American ear, 'fuck' comes off more as 'feck' or 'fook,' but still: it is rampant. I remember when I was home some of my classmates were appalled that a partner in a large firm had used the word 'shit' several times in an interview. Now certainly there is a difference between a job interview and talking with your drunken eejit friends, but I am certain that 'fuck' is thrown around every office in Ireland with regularity.

For example, 'fuck off' has taken the place of 'get outta here,' as in:

'You musta went straight home after I saw ya, you were in a sorry state.'

'No I was pure sound. I hit three more poobs after I saw ya.'

'Fuck off, really? Did ya remember em or did someone else fill ya in?'

As far as 'cunt' goes, I've yet to hear it from a girl, but guys use it in the presence of girls all the time without any protest. Where I come from, you don't say it where any female can hear it at any time, period. Although I will say it doesn't carry quite the harsh meaning it does at home. As in:

Roommate: 'Didya hear that bird in the back row talkin all through class?'

Me: 'Yeah. God she's got an annoying voice - you can hear it everywhere - just piercing. You know her?'

Roommate: 'Ya, she's a cunt.'

Me (wide-eyed): 'Wow, what'd she do?'

Roommate: 'Well she's sound for the most part, but ya know when she starts talkin it's always about herself, ya know? Bit of a cunt.'

. . .

Television is something else altogether. Language that you wouldn't hear on basic cable back home, you'll hear on the regular free channels here. Mostly at night, but not always. But it goes way beyond the language. There is this show about a budding escape artist. It's a reality show. One of his stunts goes like this: His assistant chains and handcuffs him to a dolly inside an elevator in the top floor of a building. Plus he's wearing that headgear that puts a ball in his mouth, like in Pulp Fiction. The headgear also has a camera attached. Then the assistant presses the button for the ground floor. The idea is that he has to get out of the chains and whatnot before he gets to the lobby. But, for extra pressure, check out what this nut does. He has arranged for his family and friends to be in the lobby waiting for the elevator, completely unawares - they think the stunt will start later when they get to the top floor. Oh, and the kicker: he is completely stark naked. So if he can't get free and stop the elevator, his family and friends will see him chained up naked.

Not such a big deal, you're thinking, right? Well, the station does not blur out anything. At all. So you have this pasty white naked punchy guy flailing around trying to get free, with big jim and the twins flopping everywhere. And don't forget the headcam view. Repulsed yet unable to turn away, I watch this show. The floors count down, I think he started on 20. By 12, he hasn't made any progress. At eight, he's able to get one hand from behind his back but it's still handcuffed. He screams and pulls and tugs and it pops free at three. He starts to work on the other hand, two. It's popped out of the handcuff, one. The doors open. He doesn't make it. Doesn't even come close. You can imagine the family and friend's faces.

Then there was the sitcom about the wife with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She's a neat freak. To make the point, the show has a scene where she is giving her husband a hand job. They don't actually show it, just her with her rubber gloves and him enjoying it. When he's about to finish, she hollers, 'Wait!!' spreads out a plastic cover with her free hand, and then tells him 'now.' What they do show, however, is (presumably) fake ejaculate hitting the plastic. Nice.

Last but not least, there is a reality show about the porn industry. They follow the stars and the producers around documenting their everyday lives, including their workday. And while actual scenes of penetration are blurred out, nothing else is. So for a decent portion of the show, you're watching a porno except you can see the cameraman and there's no cheesy music. Strangely, this one I am able to turn off. Who knew the music was so integral?